Logan was put to sleep this morning.

He was very resltess last night. Didn't want his tea, and eventually ate a small amount (about 50g) of meat when I hand fed it to him. He couldn't seem to get comfortable and spent most of the night walking in and out the back door. When I went to bed, I discussed with xxx that the time looked like it had come and it might have to be tomorrow (today).

This morning Logan was outside and I went to give him his last dose of metacam. I wasn't sure when the vet could come out so didn't want him in pain while he was waiting. He was around the side of the house, moping about, and the spark had just gone from his eyes. I syringed it straight into his mouth, and then offered him his doggy treats, which he has eaten all along, even when he wanted nothing else. This morning he didn't even want them. I knew then that the time really had come.

The vets were brilliant. I was crying on the phone, trying to ask for someone to come out. It didn't help that Logan had come inside and was watching me. She discussed cremation with me, and I decided to have him cremated. That way when we move, he can come to.

Even though they came almost straight away, it was hard waiting. I spread his blanket out on the lawn, and he lay on it, while I sat beside him. Even xxx cried abit. It was hard when the vet actually arrived. Logan was watching them come toward us, and I don't know if he knew what was going on or not. The vet was very gentle and respectful, and the nurse was just wonderful. She cradled his head and cuddled him through the whole thing. xxx and I also sat with him, patting him while he went.

I think I cried more before and after than while it was actually happening. It was almost surreal. It's only been a few hours and I miss my boy already.

Logan didn't want his cheese and metacam this morning. I ended up squirting the metacam onto a plate and he seemed happy enough to lick it up off that.

I took him to the vet to get weighed. Realised on the way there that he had a dirty bum, possibly from the kidney he had for tea last night. He weighed 35kgs which suprised me, as he hasn't really been eating as much as he used to. A part of me wonders if perhaps the tumour is growing internally and thats contributing to the lack of weight loss.

We went for a short walk at the park, but he seemed uncomfortable. He did try a few times to have a poo, but nothing appeared, so he may be constipated now. He didnt seem that happy walking, so we cut it short. I'm not sure whether his tummy is abit upset, or what. I guess I'll just keep my eye on him for now.

Offered him some tea, but he isn't interested. Will try again later on, and may just leave it til tomorrow. I don't want to force him to eat if he's feeling yuck. He's been laying outside on the concrete in the cool, so he might have a sore tummy.

There is the chance that his body might not like the amount of metacam he is getting. There's also the chance that the cancer is spreading alot quicker than we thought, and he is feeling worse. Being realistic, at this point unless theres a huge improvement, I can't really see him lasting until easter which is only 2 weeks away. :( I don't want him to be one of those dogs that loses all dignity and quality of life. I want him to go out when he's still feeling reasonably good.

On the 28th I upped Logans metacam dosage from 34kg to 50kg, so about 1 1/2 times what he was getting. Wanted to see if it made any difference. He hadn't been in obvious pain, just abit more panty and not really interested in life. It seems to have worked, although the weather turned colder too which may have helped. I think when he gets hot, and pants to cool down, its alot more of an effort than what it used to be.

He is still difficult to feed. Very picky with his eating, and he might eat something one day and then not want it the next. He also sometimes won't even attempt to eat his tea, but if I offer it to him by hand, he will eat it.

At the moment he seems rather restless. Has been outside, and then back in a few times. Hops up on the couch, but within minutes hops back down again. I'm hoping he isn't in pain.

The past few days I've been taking him to the park for walks, and he seems to enjoy himself. Even manages the odd trot now and then, and if we happen to see any other dogs he gets quite excited, and starts grizzling. Yesterday he almost started howling because he wanted to go and play with a little dog, but couldn't.

I'm wondering if perhaps he is restless because I'm sitting here wearing my "walking" jacket and he wants to go walking. (at 5:39am, I don't think so!)

His breathing isn't as smooth as it once was. He tends to sound rather loud and...... almost grunty. Like it's an effort. Quite sad. (having said that, he has just had a chew on the edge of a tool box, so seems he is his normal self!)

I'm debating whether to take him to the vet today, just to be weighed. He was weighed a week ago, and was 34.5kg. Just interested to know how much he has lost with his lack of appetite.

Oooh, that reminds me. Yesterday evening after his walk, we finally got to pick up all of the newspaper off the floor. No more bleeding! Yay! It's quite weird, as the day before he bled quite alot after his walk. (from his bottom drain hole) And it was like almost overnight it healed. So the house is beginning to look abit less like a hospital ward, and abit more like a normal house again. It's just a pity that we couldn't have a healthy dog again :(

I was telling a workmate about Logan having cancer, and she said a friend of hers had a 13 year old dog that was "riddled with cancer, and can barely walk" and the woman was keeping it hanging on. I can't understand how anyone could do that! Yes, it is hard to decide when to pull the plug so to speak, but surely if the dog has lost all quality of life, you know you've reached that point! I guess it also helps that I have a partner who would never let me do that sort of thing, if I ever got so caught up in keeping Logan here, even when he had reached the point where he was ready to go.

The past few days have been up and down. Glimpses of my old boy and his happy personality, and then glimpses that he's struggling with this nasty disease. He does have the odd cough, which makes me wonder if it's spread to his lungs already.

I also don't know how much to push him to eat. I try to make sure he eats something everyday, even if he doesnt really want to. He does tend to let me hand feed him after his initial refusal to eat. And then some days he will suprise me and eat by himself.

The other morning he wouldn't eat his pills. I managed to get the first one down but he kept spitting up the other one. I got so frustrated and upset, that I smacked him :( I felt guilty immediately because he gave me such a hurt look. How could I smack a sick dog??! I've decided its not worth the fight to force him to eat the pills. They are only antibiotics and he's had most of them anyway. Atleast with the metacam if he does refuse that, it comes in a plunger so I can just squirt it down his throat.

Today is one of the hottest days we've had for awhile and I think he's feeling it abit. He's outside in his kennel (his choice), panting away. I only hope its the heat causing the panting and not anything else, like pain.